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Shame

Shame is a really useful tool in dealing with kids. I read once that its because children don't automatically have a conscience. Shame is used to help children determine what is right and wrong as they grow. They learn to establish limits with others and in our world. Often my twenties have felt like a second childhood, in that I am learning to navigate my world as an adult. I've found a desire to re-look at everything from what I like to eat to how often I feel deeply ashamed.
When I moved to Pomona one of my first realizations was that I didn't like cold cereal. I had never thought about it before in terms of a choice. I quickly decided that I hated it, and I never wanted to touch a soggy, wretched bowl of cornflakes again. That small decision (which I didn't stick to) made my whole being feel more solid and real. I noticed that as I continued to make decisions as an adult I could feel my person more fully.
This past week I've spent time reexamining shame. Shame caught me by surprise. I finished a book about slavery in the United States today and I instantly felt ashamed that I was a teacher, educated, and well-off. I wanted to write letters to the Coalition of Immokalee workers and beg forgiveness for my selfishness. I knew without a doubt that I would be the first against the wall when the revolution came. The shame began to spread. I felt that how I have lived my life thus far was very wrong, that my choices (being single, living with a family, teaching, ministry, Pomona) had been misguided and foolish. I was bad. I would do whatever I had to do, just so I could feel like I was good again. Was this how I felt as a kid? I don't remember.
I wrestled with shame for the rest of the day. In the end I came to my usual conclusion; my life is weird. I feel bad about that sometimes, but like the cereal I made the choices I made for a reason. The cereal was gross, I threw it out. I asked Jesus for a life where following him was the focus. So everything else flows from that. So the normal (getting married, having kids, house, suburbs) may never happen, and if it does it has to come through Him. Weird. And I'm learning to not be ashamed of that.

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