Megan's Blue

Recently the word "through" has stood out to me. I like how it describes a process, with a beginning and more importantly an end. I like how it evokes the same image in my mind every time I read it. Through is the way I am saved. Jesus saves me now through the work on the cross. I do not go by him, or under him or near him. I somehow go through him and am redeemed. I am active in the process and so is he. I must move, he must save. And it is his joy to save. I think this has been striking me more recently because I've begun to view the work I am doing in counseling as a process. This is a forum for Christ's healing through my memories and trauma. By working through all of this shit I hope to be born as whole. When the memories come they rise through my body. I often feel the fear and terror before I remember it. As it rises it begins in my stomach. I was nauseous for months this year. Then the feeling passes to my head as irrational thoughts, and to my heart as palpi...

Every once in a while all I want is for people to know what I know. I want for friends who agree that the Philip Stark chairs at Pinkberry are ridiculous without having to explain who he is exactly. Really I just want friends who know what I'm talking about all of the time regardless of how obscure I'm being. I realize this is unrealistic. My friend and I were waiting outside of the taco stand that Julia Childs made famous last summer and this woman started chatting with us. We were talking about the best taco places in LA and about how great her daughter was. She was forty-ish and super stylish; tattoos, hip haircut, Toms shoes, and the coolest ring. It was like a small gold crown that turned out to be her wedding band. Her husband had made them. After telling me about it she smiled ruefully and commented that her husband had designed the rings before Todd Oldham had made them popular and I knew exactly what she meant. I do love my friends for who they are, and if I really wa...

I need to add to the list of things that could incite the world into peace. 3) Tortilla soup. The best I've ever had id a Guasalmex over on Holt. There may be other places that make as good a or better Tortilla Soup. God Bless Them. This soup may have been the only thing my ex-boyfriend and I agreed on. He liked it so much me went home and tried to make it from Campbell's tomato soup. The soup is made fresh each day (this is what the owner says at least, in his best "I'm telling you something very secret and important" tone) from fresh chickens that are stewed with spices and onions until they fall apart. When we asked what they did next we were refused. Whenever I feel sad or angry or lonely or sick this soup cures and comforts. I wish I has a picture to show you just how amazing it is.

Here is a short list of the things that could bring world peace. 1)The pie Sara made tonight. It had an Oreo cookie crust and chocolate filling. She served it with fresh whipped cream and a raspberry sauce I made. All any of us could do after taking the first bite was grin. Please note that this pie would be most effective after a meal of vegetable curry, rice and beer. 2)The chair at Emily's apartment. Whenever there is a gathering at the Emily's house the chair is the only piece of furniture that is fought over. I have been known to call dibs on it from my car. It is impossible to feel stress in this chair. Its comfort is endless. This is all I can remember at present. The list used to be quite long, but all in my head.

Last week I was gripped by an urge to use the rest of my emusic downloads to get some Dar Williams songs. I was in love with her in college, but had felt vaguely ashamed of this since I moved to California. Sometimes I suffer from the burden of coolness and its a heavy one. On to the point! Hearing her songs again after so many years made me realize how much her music had to do with my faith. Her music isn't explicitly Christian, but her music is incredibly honest about herself. Her honesty encouraged me to be authentic with myself which in the end led to being authentic with Christ. It began to make me wonder what other people or things had unintentionally shaped my faith life. Unintentional Disciplers : 1) Ms. Baird my sixth grade teacher who taught me to be unafraid. She was the first single woman I met who lived in Seattle with a roommate. I loved her for that independence. 2) The song "Baby Blue Sedan" by Modest Mouse taught me that "its hard to be a human b...

Tomorrow is Ruination Day . Awful things are happening every moment of every day, but April 14th seems to have had more than its fair share. On this day in American History: 1. Abraham Lincoln was shot. 2. The Titanic struck an iceberg 3. Black Sunday, the worst storm of the dust bowl hits Oklahoma. I know it is all coincidence, but I will choose to spend this day reflecting over the nature of tragedy and loss. And how random it is. And how terrible. And how sad. But also how it makes me slow down and reflect upon the nature of God and his grace to have kept me safe so far in my life. It is a mystery.

Or nothing is right? I said Am I Right? (mood: punchy) I am a person who sees the small actions in my day to day life as miracles simply because I can. I grew up living in various imaginary worlds, waiting for the veil between this world and the mystical one that lay beyond to lift so I could go to my true home. Some days I still look for the seam. Fortunately for me Christians believe in miracles. The unexplained, fantastical, and wondrous are supposed to exist for us. So I re frame the normal everyday things that happen to me as miracles. My hope is that if I have faith in the small I will one day see the grand. So my miracle today was Anne. I knew in the morning that choosing to pack salad dressing was a lost cause. Somehow I was going to loose my balsamic vinaigrette and, having no desire to eat a dry salad, use the cafeteria's watery ranch instead. As all life is a risk, I took the vinaigrette anyways. During lunch I was opening the dressing container while talking to coworke...

Shame is a really useful tool in dealing with kids. I read once that its because children don't automatically have a conscience. Shame is used to help children determine what is right and wrong as they grow. They learn to establish limits with others and in our world. Often my twenties have felt like a second childhood, in that I am learning to navigate my world as an adult. I've found a desire to re-look at everything from what I like to eat to how often I feel deeply ashamed. When I moved to Pomona one of my first realizations was that I didn't like cold cereal. I had never thought about it before in terms of a choice. I quickly decided that I hated it, and I never wanted to touch a soggy, wretched bowl of cornflakes again. That small decision (which I didn't stick to) made my whole being feel more solid and real. I noticed that as I continued to make decisions as an adult I could feel my person more fully. This past week I've spent time reexamining shame. Shame c...