Skip to main content

Shame

Shame is a really useful tool in dealing with kids. I read once that its because children don't automatically have a conscience. Shame is used to help children determine what is right and wrong as they grow. They learn to establish limits with others and in our world. Often my twenties have felt like a second childhood, in that I am learning to navigate my world as an adult. I've found a desire to re-look at everything from what I like to eat to how often I feel deeply ashamed.
When I moved to Pomona one of my first realizations was that I didn't like cold cereal. I had never thought about it before in terms of a choice. I quickly decided that I hated it, and I never wanted to touch a soggy, wretched bowl of cornflakes again. That small decision (which I didn't stick to) made my whole being feel more solid and real. I noticed that as I continued to make decisions as an adult I could feel my person more fully.
This past week I've spent time reexamining shame. Shame caught me by surprise. I finished a book about slavery in the United States today and I instantly felt ashamed that I was a teacher, educated, and well-off. I wanted to write letters to the Coalition of Immokalee workers and beg forgiveness for my selfishness. I knew without a doubt that I would be the first against the wall when the revolution came. The shame began to spread. I felt that how I have lived my life thus far was very wrong, that my choices (being single, living with a family, teaching, ministry, Pomona) had been misguided and foolish. I was bad. I would do whatever I had to do, just so I could feel like I was good again. Was this how I felt as a kid? I don't remember.
I wrestled with shame for the rest of the day. In the end I came to my usual conclusion; my life is weird. I feel bad about that sometimes, but like the cereal I made the choices I made for a reason. The cereal was gross, I threw it out. I asked Jesus for a life where following him was the focus. So everything else flows from that. So the normal (getting married, having kids, house, suburbs) may never happen, and if it does it has to come through Him. Weird. And I'm learning to not be ashamed of that.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Good

I got word today that my old coworker is pregnant. This is good. A little background: My first year of teaching was atrocious for two reasons. One being that I am not suited to teaching Kindergarten. The second lay mainly in my working relationship with this woman. She was very particular about how everything must be done, from where the scissors went to making sure the crayon cups were in the right order. While she was upfront about how picky she was, she was also completely inflexible and made it clear I was the one who was going to have to change. I like to think her private motto for me was "That's nice you want to do it that way Megan, but adjust or die." Once she bribed my students with candy. Both classes were there because it was a short day. My kids were sitting at the tables, talking and giggling as they got ready to go home. Hers were being angels on the rug. So, to make a point, she told my kids if they were quiet during dismissal she would give them all candy
1 comment
Read more

The Shirt

I was going to write chronologically. Forget that. Memory is not chronological and to make it so would require me getting paid to do this. Also today I put on a shirt that is a loaded gun of memories about one student in particular. When he was placed I was told he was a major behavior. He didn't like female teachers, in part due to his own mother's erratic behavior. In fourth grade he practically lived in the office. I had a strategy with kids like this that worked about half the time, give them space. I figured if a student was having a hard time in me class it was my responsibility. With potentially explosive students I would make it my goal to be as non-reactive as possible. Sometimes this worked, but took so much emotional energy I ended up being super reactive with other students in the class. I would learn later how to be a non-reactive teacher in general, but this year was really a teaching class for me. This child taught me the most. I will call him Frank for the
1 comment
Read more

Through

Recently the word "through" has stood out to me. I like how it describes a process, with a beginning and more importantly an end. I like how it evokes the same image in my mind every time I read it. Through is the way I am saved. Jesus saves me now through the work on the cross. I do not go by him, or under him or near him. I somehow go through him and am redeemed. I am active in the process and so is he. I must move, he must save. And it is his joy to save. I think this has been striking me more recently because I've begun to view the work I am doing in counseling as a process. This is a forum for Christ's healing through my memories and trauma. By working through all of this shit I hope to be born as whole. When the memories come they rise through my body. I often feel the fear and terror before I remember it. As it rises it begins in my stomach. I was nauseous for months this year. Then the feeling passes to my head as irrational thoughts, and to my heart as palpi
1 comment
Read more