Megan's Blue

Friends tell me I look great post pregnancy. "Thank you." I say  I think "Its just because my boobs got huge." 

Seriously, grate the cheese and mix it in by hand at the end after whirring the rest in the food processor. The texture is markedly better and much easier to coat pasta with. Marcella also says to add a little softened butter at the end. Again, not wrong. Mercy she was the best. Here is a great clip of her bossing around April Bloomfield.

I was going to write chronologically. Forget that. Memory is not chronological and to make it so would require me getting paid to do this. Also today I put on a shirt that is a loaded gun of memories about one student in particular. When he was placed I was told he was a major behavior. He didn't like female teachers, in part due to his own mother's erratic behavior. In fourth grade he practically lived in the office. I had a strategy with kids like this that worked about half the time, give them space. I figured if a student was having a hard time in me class it was my responsibility. With potentially explosive students I would make it my goal to be as non-reactive as possible. Sometimes this worked, but took so much emotional energy I ended up being super reactive with other students in the class. I would learn later how to be a non-reactive teacher in general, but this year was really a teaching class for me. This child taught me the most. I will call him Frank for the...

Teachers have fantastic taste in books. Connecting with s difficult student will save a day's worth of arguing. Colleagues genuinely want to help. You all spend too much money on your classrooms. Case in point I remember subbing in a portable where the teacher had brought in table lamps, a few comfy chairs, and lots of cushions. It made the place glow with roomy warmth.  Field trips are insanely stressful. Teacher's aides are the most valuable ally, and really underpaid. So are teachers. Dismissal time is like a brief daily vacation. PE should be done every day.  There are many ways to format a discipline system, but without student buy-in the implementation of it is a waste of time.  This is also true when there is not consistency.  Kids want to learn. I once taught in a first grade room where the students knew how to sing every poem in the book "Ride a Purple Pelican". I thought this pure cheese until I saw the enraptu...

Dear Teachers who worked in the IE from 2002-2004 that I may have subbed for, I apologize. I was not a great sub, but I really liked the hours, those were fantastic. I liked being able to walk away at three in the afternoon, neglecting to grade your papers and often lying in the note that your students were great. I never stole school supplies, but almost always took candy. I  changed the radio station presets if I knew I was coming back the next day. Which I didn't like to do. I apologize. I checked out a lot. Reading the books in your library was the best and most immediate way to avoid processing the full immensity of classroom work or connect with students. I could get a book read in a day if I was good, and I usually just read on my breaks but I do recall a few times reading while students worked. I apologize. I didn't follow your lesson plans, and sometimes couldn't find them. I once taught a Junior High math class just by borrowing a student's book, aski...

I taught for twelve years and now I am taking a break. I had a baby. Teaching full time and raising this baby feel incompatible. One or the other could get done. I did one for so long I may as well try the other. Also I wanted this baby, and waited for this baby. So, So. Twelve years is a long time and I want to spend some time and space reflecting on those years. They made up the bulk of my adult life. Most pieces of what transpired don't fit into any easy narrative structure, but that is how my mind is wired to process information. Life is narrative, in my mind I am the hero of that narrative, or at least the main character. I want to sort out what 25 to 36 was for, whys and hows, so I can put this time to some sort of rest. I have a new season to begin and there is finally some space for me to consider all of what passed. Let's begin.

Oh.  Its summer now. I have nothing to do. This isn't true. But I am finding it difficult to be honest these days. I actually have more to do than I can possibly imagine. However this summer was supposed to be different. I wasn't supposed to have this summer all to myself like I now do. So as I stare down the months ahead and hold myself in my hands I feel a bit at a loss. I spent the weekend grieving the loss of my imagined summer. Now here I am on Monday and I need to begin.  But how shall I begin? I've been here before, so many times that I would suppose that it would feel natural to have my summer to myself. Instead it feels lonely and isolating. I have to go out and rebuild my life as a single woman. I hadn't been other for very long, so really it shouldn't be that hard to remember how to be this person. And there is the hope that I could always be better than I was with all I have learned in the past year.  These are lessons I didn't want to learn. 

Recently the word "through" has stood out to me. I like how it describes a process, with a beginning and more importantly an end. I like how it evokes the same image in my mind every time I read it. Through is the way I am saved. Jesus saves me now through the work on the cross. I do not go by him, or under him or near him. I somehow go through him and am redeemed. I am active in the process and so is he. I must move, he must save. And it is his joy to save. I think this has been striking me more recently because I've begun to view the work I am doing in counseling as a process. This is a forum for Christ's healing through my memories and trauma. By working through all of this shit I hope to be born as whole. When the memories come they rise through my body. I often feel the fear and terror before I remember it. As it rises it begins in my stomach. I was nauseous for months this year. Then the feeling passes to my head as irrational thoughts, and to my heart as palpi...

Every once in a while all I want is for people to know what I know. I want for friends who agree that the Philip Stark chairs at Pinkberry are ridiculous without having to explain who he is exactly. Really I just want friends who know what I'm talking about all of the time regardless of how obscure I'm being. I realize this is unrealistic. My friend and I were waiting outside of the taco stand that Julia Childs made famous last summer and this woman started chatting with us. We were talking about the best taco places in LA and about how great her daughter was. She was forty-ish and super stylish; tattoos, hip haircut, Toms shoes, and the coolest ring. It was like a small gold crown that turned out to be her wedding band. Her husband had made them. After telling me about it she smiled ruefully and commented that her husband had designed the rings before Todd Oldham had made them popular and I knew exactly what she meant. I do love my friends for who they are, and if I really wa...

I need to add to the list of things that could incite the world into peace. 3) Tortilla soup. The best I've ever had id a Guasalmex over on Holt. There may be other places that make as good a or better Tortilla Soup. God Bless Them. This soup may have been the only thing my ex-boyfriend and I agreed on. He liked it so much me went home and tried to make it from Campbell's tomato soup. The soup is made fresh each day (this is what the owner says at least, in his best "I'm telling you something very secret and important" tone) from fresh chickens that are stewed with spices and onions until they fall apart. When we asked what they did next we were refused. Whenever I feel sad or angry or lonely or sick this soup cures and comforts. I wish I has a picture to show you just how amazing it is.

Here is a short list of the things that could bring world peace. 1)The pie Sara made tonight. It had an Oreo cookie crust and chocolate filling. She served it with fresh whipped cream and a raspberry sauce I made. All any of us could do after taking the first bite was grin. Please note that this pie would be most effective after a meal of vegetable curry, rice and beer. 2)The chair at Emily's apartment. Whenever there is a gathering at the Emily's house the chair is the only piece of furniture that is fought over. I have been known to call dibs on it from my car. It is impossible to feel stress in this chair. Its comfort is endless. This is all I can remember at present. The list used to be quite long, but all in my head.

Last week I was gripped by an urge to use the rest of my emusic downloads to get some Dar Williams songs. I was in love with her in college, but had felt vaguely ashamed of this since I moved to California. Sometimes I suffer from the burden of coolness and its a heavy one. On to the point! Hearing her songs again after so many years made me realize how much her music had to do with my faith. Her music isn't explicitly Christian, but her music is incredibly honest about herself. Her honesty encouraged me to be authentic with myself which in the end led to being authentic with Christ. It began to make me wonder what other people or things had unintentionally shaped my faith life. Unintentional Disciplers : 1) Ms. Baird my sixth grade teacher who taught me to be unafraid. She was the first single woman I met who lived in Seattle with a roommate. I loved her for that independence. 2) The song "Baby Blue Sedan" by Modest Mouse taught me that "its hard to be a human b...

Tomorrow is Ruination Day . Awful things are happening every moment of every day, but April 14th seems to have had more than its fair share. On this day in American History: 1. Abraham Lincoln was shot. 2. The Titanic struck an iceberg 3. Black Sunday, the worst storm of the dust bowl hits Oklahoma. I know it is all coincidence, but I will choose to spend this day reflecting over the nature of tragedy and loss. And how random it is. And how terrible. And how sad. But also how it makes me slow down and reflect upon the nature of God and his grace to have kept me safe so far in my life. It is a mystery.

Or nothing is right? I said Am I Right? (mood: punchy) I am a person who sees the small actions in my day to day life as miracles simply because I can. I grew up living in various imaginary worlds, waiting for the veil between this world and the mystical one that lay beyond to lift so I could go to my true home. Some days I still look for the seam. Fortunately for me Christians believe in miracles. The unexplained, fantastical, and wondrous are supposed to exist for us. So I re frame the normal everyday things that happen to me as miracles. My hope is that if I have faith in the small I will one day see the grand. So my miracle today was Anne. I knew in the morning that choosing to pack salad dressing was a lost cause. Somehow I was going to loose my balsamic vinaigrette and, having no desire to eat a dry salad, use the cafeteria's watery ranch instead. As all life is a risk, I took the vinaigrette anyways. During lunch I was opening the dressing container while talking to coworke...

Shame is a really useful tool in dealing with kids. I read once that its because children don't automatically have a conscience. Shame is used to help children determine what is right and wrong as they grow. They learn to establish limits with others and in our world. Often my twenties have felt like a second childhood, in that I am learning to navigate my world as an adult. I've found a desire to re-look at everything from what I like to eat to how often I feel deeply ashamed. When I moved to Pomona one of my first realizations was that I didn't like cold cereal. I had never thought about it before in terms of a choice. I quickly decided that I hated it, and I never wanted to touch a soggy, wretched bowl of cornflakes again. That small decision (which I didn't stick to) made my whole being feel more solid and real. I noticed that as I continued to make decisions as an adult I could feel my person more fully. This past week I've spent time reexamining shame. Shame c...

Bands: 1. Lavender Diamond because they are a true neo-hippie band that preaches love and peace. 2. Danielson , though I know his music is so weird I can't help but to love his theology. 3. St. Vincent who rocks hard and is incredibly girlie. 4. Andrew Bird writes playful lyrics that blend with sublime melodies. Thank you. Thank you. Comics: 1. We the Robots , like "We the People" except better. 2. The Non-Adventures of Wonderella is what happens when ignorance, super powers and alcoholism collide. 3. Kate Beaton is wonderfully funny though she is a complete nerd. WebSites: 1. Goodreads allows me to foist my opinion about books on others. 2. Etsy allows me to purchase the unecessary directly from the crafter of the item. 3. Daytrotter interviews the most indie of indie bands than provides free podcasts. Television: 1. Pushing Daisies. Fairy-tale fantasy is highly addictive. 2. Flight of the Conchords kept me sane this summer. God bless all those who posted the new e...

I got word today that my old coworker is pregnant. This is good. A little background: My first year of teaching was atrocious for two reasons. One being that I am not suited to teaching Kindergarten. The second lay mainly in my working relationship with this woman. She was very particular about how everything must be done, from where the scissors went to making sure the crayon cups were in the right order. While she was upfront about how picky she was, she was also completely inflexible and made it clear I was the one who was going to have to change. I like to think her private motto for me was "That's nice you want to do it that way Megan, but adjust or die." Once she bribed my students with candy. Both classes were there because it was a short day. My kids were sitting at the tables, talking and giggling as they got ready to go home. Hers were being angels on the rug. So, to make a point, she told my kids if they were quiet during dismissal she would give them all candy...

Last night I went to see Dave Bazan at the Glass House. Right now he is going through a crisis of faith, and that figured in heavily to all of performances. Much of what he expressed was either fear of the separation this is causing between him and his wife or his general disdain for a God that has the audacity to send people to hell. I understand from the Inland Empire Weekly article published last week that he has decided he no longer needs Jesus and has rejected hell. Which makes perfect sense. Why would you need Jesus to save you if you do not believe in hell? Really the two theological concepts are tied together. I feel his plunging into doubt is very brave. These questions he is asking about God and the nature of Christ are ones I simply can't ask. Dave has clearly been hurt by the actions of Christians. He mentioned that God seemed to historically be on the side of the white majority culture. I can see how he came to that conclusion. I also see the many ways in which Go...